The Power of Friendship in Marriage

     Long ago, sailors navigating the seas propelled by the power of the wind experienced what they called the “doldrums.” The doldrums were caused when a ship sailed into a low pressure zone around the equator where the winds are calm and the air becomes stagnant. Ships could be “dead in the water” for days or sometimes even weeks at a time. We may use the word doldrums to refer to a depression, a period of listlessness with a lack of activity, or to stagnation. It is a feeling of being stuck.

     Relationships, particularly husbands and wives, often experience the doldrums as well. It is a season in your relationship when things seem to be settled, like a sandbar in a low flowing river. Your relationship may feel stagnant and like entropy has set in. The fact of the matter is that this will be a part of the story of all married couples. The sheer weight of life will cause a couple to feel like they are stuck in their relationship and that there is no growth occurring between them. The encouraging part of this season of dormancy is that a little bit of relational warmth between a husband and wife can bring back new growth in the relationship.

     John Gottman, a highly esteemed researcher on relationships has discovered that perhaps the key element of a growing marriage is the quality of friendship between husband and wife. “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship,” he writes (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). Happy couples have a strong working knowledge of one another. They know what each other likes, what is happening in their day to day lives, what their personality quirks are, and what their hopes and dreams are. They have an ability to express a “positive regard” for one another with fondness and acceptance.

     The surprising thing about couples with this deep sense of friendship is that they can experience intense conflict with each other, the type of conflict where if you overheard the conflict you might think there is no way this couple can survive. Gottman says that loud arguments do not necessarily harm a marriage. It is not necessarily successful conflict resolution that makes a marriage grow, or that couples fight fairly when they do have an argument, or even that couples avoid conflict altogether. The key is that couples sail smoothly thru troubled waters. “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” Gottman writes. Positive thoughts about one another tend to override any possible negative feelings that may float between couples. Gottman calls this the “secret weapon” of emotionally intelligent couples.

     It is easy to underestimate the power of friendship in marriage. It almost sounds too simplistic or even unrealistic to say that friendship in marriage is the central nutrient that makes a marriage grow.  The truth is that it is neither simplistic, nor unrealistic: it is the quality of your friendship as a couple that will determine the strength and longevity of your marriage. When you are married to your best friend you are assured that you can experience the deepest connection between two human beings because it insures that you are investing your emotional energy more with one another than with anyone else. It is the power of friendship that keeps wind in the sails of your relationship and propels your marriage towards your goals and aspirations as a couple. Friendship in marriage is a very powerful thing!