Fostering "We-Ness" in Marriage

     My wife Debbie and I moved to Santee last year after living in Yuba City, California for twenty-five years. We raised our children there, developed deep friendships, and were afforded a deep sense of being in community. We moved here when Debbie took a position at San Diego Christian College (whose new campus opened here in Santee in January).  Although it has been a big change, Santee has much of the same feel for us and we love living here. Our move was complicated because of the necessity to move in two phases: Debbie moved in June and I did not move until December; my job in Northern California keeping me until then. So, we lived apart for six months.

     The experience helped me to empathize to a small degree with our military families who have gone through extended periods of separation since our country has been at war for over ten years now. However, it does not take a season of living apart, or even a war to create distance between couples. The pace of life, with the pull of so many competing influences, has caused many couples to lose their sense of “we-ness.”

     This quality of “we-ness” is an important factor in a healthy, satisfying marriage. “We-ness” is the entity that you and your spouse create as a committed couple. It is who you are together and not individually. Think about it. You did not marry your spouse so that you could be alone. You married your spouse so that you could share life with them. Marriage is about friendship. Developing this “we-ness” in your marriage requires the give and take of two individuals working together. Specifically, three distinct qualities can foster “we-ness” as suggested by Kim Fredrickson (www.kimfredrickson.com):

1.      The individual needs of each of you are important. Because each person in the marriage relationship has value and worth within themselves, each person’s needs must factor into the ways you build your relationship and make decisions.

2.      You make decisions as a couple based upon how that decision will affect your “we-ness.” Making decisions apart from the input and values of your spouse can certainly have a negative impact: I have learned that lesson the hard way! Instead, consider how any decision will impact your spouse. These decisions will often revolve around issues such as spending money, your job, child-rearing, or hobbies and leisure time.

3.      Create a marriage that is intentional. An intentional marriage focuses upon the connection you have with one another. An intentional marriage is built by carving out time for your relationship, staying committed to one another, and by each partner taking ownership for the quality of your marriage.

     “We-ness” in marriage is certainly not easy, but the rewards of fostering this quality are immeasurable.  Studies show that married couples often enjoy a greater overall satisfaction with life, enjoy better physical health, and are financially more secure.

     As my wife Debbie and I are now living here in Santee, we are discovering what a beautiful area we live in and the sense of community that exists here. We are also more acutely aware of our “we-ness” after living apart for those six months. Perhaps in your relationship you sense a distance that echoes the old phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  I encourage you to take the chance to foster your “we-ness” and discover an even more vibrant, meaningful connection in your marriage.